I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Randomize
