You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Randomize
