I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
