shes about as inviting as chlamydia
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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