My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
