Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
