Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Mom said you looked used
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
