He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Can't talk, ducks in the car
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
