the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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