dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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