apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
