Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
