dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
