so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Randomize
