She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
you inspire me to be a worse person
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
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