This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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