thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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