Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
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