last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Randomize
