So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Randomize
