where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
