Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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