I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
