What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
