and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Your penis caused this!
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
