My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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