Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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