Well to be completely honest its more of a 'i wanna do things to you that your parents would not enjoy hearing about' mood
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
