Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
