Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
