We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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