you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Randomize
