but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
what is it with giant penises always finding me
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
If I had your ass I would rule the world
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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