Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
