Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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