Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
