He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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