I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Randomize
