My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
