Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Randomize
