last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
