just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
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