wakey wakey hands off snakey
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
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