I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Randomize
