just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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