Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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