Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
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