____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
