I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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