all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Randomize
